Should I stay or should I go?

Whereas some moms get to carefully consider whether or not they choose the stay-at-home mom route or the working mom route, moms of multiples usually get that choice made for them. There's either a surprlus of money after the daycare that is essential to the survival of the family, or, quite simply, there's not.

For us, the choice is very simple. I have to work. And one of us has to work two jobs. That ended up being me this time around because I was the first to find a second job. That may change in the coming year, but until we know something definitive, I am the parent who is putting in the long hours and the nights away from home.

Most of the time, I'm ok with it. Tonight, I had an especially hard time.

It was my night off, and I'd really missed all three of my kids because I was so sick yesterday I didn't get to spend any time with them. This also meant I had to call in sick to my night job. So when my supervisor called today to ask if I could make up those hours, I grudgingly said yes.

It was all ok until I arrived at work and found out none of the regular employees had called in sick. I was in because our manager had called in sick. Our manager doesn't actually work with the customers. So they were actually not short any hands. And they were slow. So I got to leave at 7, which was 45 minutes after the twins went to bed.

So I had to miss time with my kids, essentially, for nothing. Now, I wouldn't mind so much if the people who were in charge of my scheduled time had any kind of respect for my family. But they seem not to, as they know I work Monday through Friday but rarely give me a day off on the weekend. This means I NEVER get a day off. That means my time with my kids is restricted to getting them ready for school in the morning and getting them ready for bed at night, on the nights I'm lucky enough to be home.

Tonight, I came home and cried. And I realized I was not alone. There are many, many working mothers out there who suffer with the same kinds of feelings I have. I don't think my kids are going uncared for. They have a fabulous father (one of them has two fabulous fathers) and they are so loved. They love me and call me Mama and hug me and kiss me.

It hits me hard because when Mitchell was a baby I had to work three jobs and go to school full-time. I was never with him. At least, until he was about two years old.

I swore I wouldn't put any more kids in that situation. And planning is great. Until God hands you more than one baby.

I can say, through all the work, trouble, guilt, exhaustion and tears, these two babies have given me more happiness than  I could ever describe. Plus, they make for really good pictures:

The Preferred Progeny Problem

I get asked MANY questions because I have twins. I got asked many during my pregnancy (Are you sure there's not more than one in there?), many right after the pregnancy (Man, do you ever sleep?) and many now that my boys are almost a year old (How much baby food do you have to buy, anyway?).

By far, though, the most common question asked to me (only by other mothers, add you, of one child) since having the twins actually has nothing to do with having multiples.

"Now that you have more than one, do you have a favorite?"

I'm not kidding. Many of my friends who have one child have asked me this question. The popular response, of course, is no, I love all of them equally.

And, of course, I DO love all of them equally. I swear. I brought all of them into this world with nothing but love and joy and the complete WANT to be a parent.

Having a favorite, though, has very little to do with how much you love your kids and everything to do with how much you like them at any given point. Growing up, I was one of 10 kids from 4 parents.

My mother and stepfather used to joke that my little brother was my mom's favorite and I was my stepfather's favorite. That just might be true, but, nonetheless, I know they loved all of us very, very much and still do.

I have four parents, and my favorite changes with what kind of mood each of them is in on any given day. The best answer I can give my friends of one child is that answer. My favorite kid is the one that I identify best with and makes me feel the best every day.

Some days, like today, Mitchell is mad that he has to get off the computer and Hank is having a temper tantrum and Harry just looks up at me and says "Mama" and reaches his arms out for a hug, and yes, he's my favorite today.

Yesterday, Harry was crying nonstop, Mitchell was complaining he couldn't have ice cream and Hank was curled up in my lap saying my name and hugging my neck over and over again. Yesterday, Hank was my favorite.

Lots of days, the babies are out of sorts and Mitchell helps me with EVERYTHING. And he doesn't complain. And after the babies go to bed, he curls up in bed with me with a book, and HE'S my favorite.

So the answer is, yes, you will have a favorite after you have more than one. It will just shift with the day. The reason I'm partial to Harry is because he looks just like me and he has the sweetest disposition and hugs me and kisses me. The reason I love Hank is that he has such an infectious giggle and a huge smile and beautiful blue eyes and looks just like his daddy. The reason I love Mitchell is because he's my miracle kid. Our time together didn't start out so great, but he's grown into a beautiful 8-year-old who is responsible and does his homework on time and gets good grades. He likes to read in bed with me. And he's so freaking smart. And he's the best big brother these babies could ever have asked for.

Having more than one child doesn't make you parse out the love you started with. It just makes your heart bigger so you have more room for even more love. It makes your life better, and it makes you a better person.