On the verge of a new life. Maybe.

I've written about this subject before. It's a decision every mom has to make. There are so many reasons why women choose to do this or choose not to do this. I never in my life thought I would consider choosing the other side, but here I am, considering changing my whole life.

I am seriously considering being a stay-at-home-mom.

Let me start by saying one of the reasons I chose to do journalism is because I can write at my home and take care of my babies. I have never USED this choice in profession to stay at home with my babies. Well, I've got the last of my babies. We might adopt one in a couple of years if we have the money because I want a girl, and I've always wanted to adopt. And, of course, I can't have any more of my own. But for all intents and purposes, this could be it.

I'm lucky to have a really flexible job and a boss that's stood by my side ALWAYS (even when we went through a short period where he wasn't my boss, he remained my friend), so if I've ever needed to leave work for my kids, it's not a problem. I have an editor who, while he doesn't have any kids, is really good about realizing that I do and working around that.

But recently we've run into a problem. I have bad stomach issues. I won't go into the details, but I have a disease that causes parts of my gastrointestinal system to flare up, but I have always battled through it to be able to work. Now it seems like Harry, my older twin, might have inherited these problems.

The day care refuses to keep him if he throws up or has diarrhea. The stomach problems we have do cause both of these things, but they aren't contagious. That's why I don't understand why it's a problem. But apparently state licensing requirements mandate sending them home if they throw up at all and if they have two consecutive diarrhea episodes. This happens frequently with Harry. It's caused me to deplete my sick days. Not only that, but there are sick days I have to take for myself when I can't power through my own stomach problems.

Because it's a state licensing requirement, all day cares follow this rule.

This caused me a while back to begin thinking about the whole stay-at-home mom deal. I began to think about the money, and when I added up day care costs, gas costs and parking costs (because I work downtown, I have to pay for my own parking, and its' really expensive), we are actually paying money for me to work. So essentially, all these months, I've been working a second job to pay for the costs we incurred from me working a first job.

After that, I began to think about what I would do if I stayed home. I started digging for freelance work and discovered that there's so much more out there than there was since the last time I freelanced, which was roughly five years ago. I've already passed my resume and writing samples around and have been given permission to write for several websites.

Because of my employment now, I can't freelance, but if I quit, it opens me up to doing so much more work. I can be so much more creative in what I pick and choose. And on top of that, I get to be around my babies all day every day. I get to watch them grow up. I no longer have to pray that they don't grow up to choose to engage in sports or extracurriculars that I have no idea how I'm going to make time for. My children can have lives.

Sounds like my decision is made for me, but then the illogical side of my brain jumps in. I've had a job since I was 15 years old. I'll be 29 on Sunday. That's a long time. That's basically half my life. And for someone my age, that's not normal. I'm worried about my self-worth. I'm worried about having the title stay-at-home mom. Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just that my self-worth has always been tied into what I appear to contribute to my family financially. And staying at home will make me appear to be contributing nothing financially.

Not only that, but I love my job. Love, love, love it. I love the people I work with. We've been together so long we're almost like a family. I can't imagine not doing my job. Or not doing it there. That's a big factor.

I have the rest of the summer to decide. Because Ro's a teacher, we don't have to pay for day care in the summer, so it just makes sense for me to keep working. I'll finally finish my master's this fall (thanks to my buddy Karen talking me into it), so I might teach in the summers from now on if I do quit my job.

So, I don't know what to do. All your thoughts and opinions are so welcome. I need to know what everyone thinks!

I'm coming out of the bad mom closet.

There as some views on motherhood and mommy practices I have that other women just cringe at. I find this fascinating. I think the way I do "mommying" works for my family and for me, and that's all that matters. But every once in a while I get a comment that just shocks me. I'm not way out there in left field or anything, so I get surprised.

I figured I'd put it all down on paper, so to speak, to see what other women think of these things. If you'd like to comment, I welcome your comments. Good or bad! I like to know what other people think. I'll never change what I do, but it's interesting to hear other viewpoints.

I find breastfeeding gross. I've only had one other friend who shares my viewpoint on this. It makes me cringe to see another woman pull out a boob in public. I feel like if you choose to do it, it should be private. When I did it, I kept it very private, and I'm one of the least modest people I know.
I breast fed Mitch for six weeks, and it was just dreadful. It felt gross. I actually wanted to do it and looked forward to the experience before he was born. I was insistent on breast feeding. Then, as soon as I started doing it, I felt disgusting.
It made me sweat. I couldn't stand the way it felt when the milk left my body. My breasts just ached constantly. He had to eat every 15 minutes because he was such a large and hungry baby, and I became engorged. Pumping hurt. Everything in the general area was constantly in pain. I just didn't enjoy it at all. But seriously, the worst part was that it made me sweat. I know I already mentioned it, but it just got worse and worse as time went by. It felt like flu sweat. Like I was sweating out all the toxins in my body, but there were just too many toxins.

I spank. When some people hear this, they picture me beating my children with an aluminum bat. Other people realize what I actually do, which is spank only when the punishment fits the crime. For instance, the last time my 8-year-old was spanked was longer ago than I can remember. This is because spanking worked with him. I'm not saying it works with every child, because it doesn't. Every child is different and responds to different forms of punishment.
The babies are too young to spank. They do, however, get a pop on the hand when they touch stuff and grab stuff they're not supposed to. They get it done immediately with a firm "no" to go along with it. This is reinforcing what the word no means while at the same time giving them a consequence when they do something they're not supposed to do. They then equate touching the cable box, for instance, with getting their hands popped.
My son is a very well-behaved and well-mannered child. I credit my discipline strategy for that. I fully expect never to have to spank him again because the older he gets the less he needs it. For minor infractions, we do "consequences".  We take away his video games and tv time. That works much better than spanking at this point!

I really don't care about germs. My kids can put their mouths on almost anything they want, short of a stranger's skin. Chewing on the shopping cart bar? No biggie.
I don't wash the babies' hands before they eat. They're 1. They have their hands in their mouths every second of every day. What about eating makes it any different? My grandmother freaks out when I do this. It almost makes me laugh, poor woman. She thinks this is such a serious thing.

I think cloth diapering is ridiculous. And I say so readily. Why would you spend the time cloth diapering when there are disposable diapers you can throw away? Poop is so nasty. To me, there are lots of ways you can do your part to help the environment, but my goodness. That's just not one I'll spend time on. We've come a long way over the years. Let's use the efficient things that have been developed. In my mind it's like saying instead of using a sanitary pad you should wad a towel up in your pants.

I find the childbirth experience unnatural and disgusting. I've done it both ways: vaginal birth and c-section. People think I'm crazy when I say the C-section was easier than the vaginal birth, but I wholeheartedly believe that for me, it was. Maybe not for everyone, but for me, yes.
I don't understand women who do this at home. There are women in my life I love and respect who have done this, and I think they're crazy. Why on earth would you NOT want a doctor around when your child is born? What if something is wrong with it? When I say this, women come back with the response that for centuries women did it without doctors. My response is that for centuries, babies died. Now, it's not necessary for babies to die. I know that if you're careful and have someone there who knows what he/she is doing, it cuts down on the risk, but I'm just not a risk taker. And seriously, I have never gotten a sense of euphoria from giving birth. A sense of pain and wanting tons of medication and three fingers of bourbon afterward, yeah, but euphoria? Nope.

These are my confessions. Ha! Take them as you will. I yam who I yam.

More than just a cloth diaper.

When you find yourself with one baby, convenient baby products are a must. But when you have multiples - or multiples and older children along with them - convenient baby products are sometimes a lifesaver and a key to retaining your sanity.

I figured it might be helpful if I shared some hints and the baby products that go along with them.

All of the products I'm listing below have one thing in common: they're great for transition. Babies go through so many transitions so quickly, so when you're dealing with more than one, anything that can make those transitions easier is worth every penny.

Surprisingly, though, most of this stuff does NOT cost a fortune.

So here are my top five fave transitional tips/products from the last 14 and a half months of twin mommyood.

5. Little gPants

Little gPants: The wonder pant! Find them at www.gpant.com or Babies R Us.

• These cloth diaper-like products are not helpful when used as intended. I'm not a cloth diaperer. I understand that it's probably good for the environment and cheaper when done traditionally, but let's be real here, people. I work and have three kids and a house to maintain. There's not time for this stuff. 
• So here's how I use them: They are excellent leak guards and a great way to move to the next size diaper before your babies are big enough for that size. 
• Leak guards: Some babies pee so much in the night that they leak every night. This is just a fact. I was AGONIZING over how to keep them from leaking outside their diapers because they would do it so quickly, and the liquid would cool on their clothes and the cold would wake them in the middle of the night. So I thought about the vinyl covers, but my husband didn't like that idea because he said he thought the wet vinyl would cause rashes. So off to Babies R Us I went looking for a cloth alternative. These were expensive. Like, almost 30 bucks for a two pack. The good part about it, though, is you only need one for each baby if you're using them to protect against leaks instead of as cloth diapers. They have vinyl inserts that you can pop out and rinse, but the majority of the pant is cloth that can quickly be popped into the washer and then dryer and ready again for nighttime. 
• Transitional sizing: Many parents of multiples receive a ton of diapers before the babies are born. They were almost ready for size two - but not quite - when we ran out of the generously given size ones. We were broke, as many parents of multiples are, and needed to use what we had, but the diapers were still so large on them that they wouldn't stay on all the time. Enter Little gPants. They have Velcro adjusters just like diapers, and we already had them to guard against leaks. So we popped on a size two diaper and popped on their Little gPants on top of the diaper and just used it day and night until they got big enough to wear the size twos without the gPants holding them on. 
• I think everyone should own one pair of Little gPants for every baby on hand. They're great! 

5. Nûby Standard Non-Drip Bottle 

I cannot say enough about this product. It is a basic that every mommy should have, but especially mommies of multiples.

• Because of the handles on this product, my babies were able to hold their bottles so much sooner. I know handles have been around forever, but these are the perfect size and are removable, so if your baby doesn't dig handles or you're ready to teach him to hold on without them, they just pop right off.
• These come in two sizes, so stock up. You will need the bigger size later on if you use them with my special instructions, so keep that in mind.
• The Meredith way: These are great for really hungry babies. Again, as with cloth diapering, I know all about how breastfeeding is best, but with multiples, it's just not so easy. So for those of us who prefer a little bit more organized, streamlined and, let's just face it, easier, life, we bottle feed with formula. Now, all three of my babies had to switch to some kind of solid at six weeks old. My 8-year-old was breast fed for six weeks and almost starved to death. At six weeks, we put him on formula, rice cereal and stage 1 baby food. Struggling to feed him all of this when he was that young was difficult. Eight years later, skipping the breastfeeding stage altogether, I was faced with the same problem with two of them at once! So I put a lot of thought into this, and I decided to improvise.
• I used the Nûby bottles because they could hold more. The thing about the nipples with these is that they're not standard, so with a thick mixture like I wanted to create, I couldn't use the nipples that came with them. So I substituted regular nipples as the first step. In the bottle, I put six ounces of formula (the twins were already downing 10+ ounces every three to four hours), I jar of Gerber stage 1 fruit or vegetable and enough rice cereal to create the consistency that seemed right for their appetite at the time. 
• This worked great as long as I cut a small X in the nipple hole. It was a fantastic transition for the boys between bottle feeding and spoon feeding while making sure they got enough food. It also stretched their feedings out at night so that we were able to get more sleep. 
• So, as a product alone, it's fantastic, but after I modified it and used it my own way, it was a terrific transitional feeding tool.

3. OP Baby Boy Two-Piece Flotation Swimsuit

• I love, love, love, love this. Taking a baby swimming is hard, but, damn, the cold water feels good because you are alway so sweaty from lugging around a baby. Or two, in my case. So, we tried out those floaty things with the canopies. Those are great when you have one baby. But try keeping two babies in those things while you're floating around in a public pool. Or three. Or four. Catch my drift (ha!)?
• These are like a take on the arm floatie and life jacket all in one. The bottoms are like regular swim trunks. The top is like a life jacket with sleeves and a zipper up the front, but it has a padded strap that hooks under the crotch area. So the baby doesn't fall down into the life jacket. If you've ever worn a life jacket, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
• Now, you can't let the baby go and float in this, of course, but you can hold the baby next to you with virtually no muscle power needed, which is nice when you're toting those suckers around all the time OUT of the water. This way, you can give your weary muscles a break. And since it's more of a life jacket, you can get the babies closer to you and hold two at once mostly effortlessly. 
• In keeping with the transition theme, of course, the pads can come out of the shirt and the straps can come off if you'd like a regular two piece for your child. And, lastly, taking away the top, the shorts can be worn just as swimming trunks, making this suit last as long as it will fit.

2. Nûby No-Spill Sippy Cup 

• Nûby is a great product. Hands-down it's probably my No. 1 baby feeding product. I'd take a Nûby product over any other one without even looking. 
• The reason I love these particular cups is because they're shaped like the traditional sippy cup but they have a silicone top. So if your baby is teething, this gives them something to chew on. 
• The other great thing about the silicone top is that the baby can suck on it like he/she can suck on a nipple from a bottle. It has the same feeling, so it allows them to transition to a sippy cup more easily, so there doesn't have to be as much attention focused on it from the parent. I remember with my older son, I spent a lot of time coaxing him into drinking out of a hard-topped sippy cup. With these, all I had to do is hand them to the babies, and they took to them immediately. I could turn right back around and keep cleaning/cooking/doing laundry instead of having to teach the babies how to drink out of these. They're worth their weight in gold.

1. 

• This tops any list. For any reason. Ever. If things are going bad, this will go a long way toward fixing it. Every mother should remember this. If out of this particular product, the product below will also work.

Sharing

There were many concerns on my mind when I found out I'd be having twins.

One of the biggest ones was wondering how I was going to give enough love to two babies. Every mother wonders how she will give love to a second baby when she already has one. I already had one, and I was wondering how I was going to give enough love to a second one when I got sucker punched with the revelation that I would be having two more.

So now there had to be enough love for three children when I'd only ever loved one. How on earth could I share?

I very quickly learned, before these boys were even born, that they would be forced to share everything in life. They received every gift addressed not to "Hank" or "Harry" but to "Hank and Harry" or "The Twins".

They got nothing of their own. This quickly inspired a project. They had to share a room, but I would, by God, at least let their beds be their own.

Because there were two more mouths to feed, I couldn't go all out buying stuff for them, which was a disappointment, considering they were likely my last babies. So I went to Hobby Lobby and bought cheap cardboard letters to spell out their names above their beds.

We bought their cribs secondhand, but each one of them had a crib. Each one had his own space in their room. They have been in the same beds since they were born, and I've never been prouder of a cheap, easy project.

I was watching them in the floor this past Saturday eating their snacks. They're now a year and change old and as they sat watching the Backyardigans, handing snacks back and forth to each other, simultaneously pushing their trucks around the floor and rolling a ball back and forth, I had never been prouder.

Hank and Harry, twins extraordinaire

At first I thought I was proud of them. They were sharing so nicely. Then I realized I had to be proud of myself. Those two have never had the chance to be selfish, yet they've also never wanted for anything. I've done a great job providing for them and at the same time limiting myself to the sometimes painful constraints of reality.

Sometimes I am surprised. I have a brother who is almost two years to the day younger than I am. Many people thought we were twins when we were younger. We look amazingly like my twin boys in our childhood photos. We are still amazingly close, so it shocks me how I never could have realized how much more my boys will get out of this relationship than I ever thought they could.

My brother Derick and me. We were two years apart, but lots of people thought we were twins. We have a really strong relationship.

After putting their relationship into context, and remembering my own with my brother, I realized I knew a lot more than I thought I did about how great it is that they can share so much. They will always share. They will share clothes, their room, their food, probably girls (ha!), a car, maybe even their first apartment. They will share joys, losses and they will probably be best friends for their whole lives. While they have to give up some sense of individuality, and I have to give up spoiling them as individuals, they are lucky. I am lucky. Our family is lucky. Above everything else, they share a bond and a love that can probably never be destroyed. Not only am I proud of myself, but when I put it in perspective, I find myself a bit jealous of those two as they carry on in their secret language...

How long could this possibly take?

So the twins aren't walking yet. I honestly don't remember when Mitchell walked, but if you've read any of my postings, you know my life was a little different when he was this age. I wasn't as involved.

My back has only gotten worse, and the results that are coming in are suggesting this could be a much worse problem than we thought. The twins passed 25 pounds a while back, and yesterday I accidentally dropped one of them.

They're walking by holding on to one hand, ever so tentatively, but they seem so stubborn about actually taking those first steps. I think they just realize it's easier to crawl.

Developmentally, I know there's nothing wrong with them, but having this back problem sure does make it hard to get them around when they're not getting around on their own little feet. I love them dearly, but I sure do want them to start walking!